After reading the CT scan report that identified too many to count cancerous brain lesions, my husband came to me with tears in his eyes and asked “why would God deliver me from the kidney tumor just to give me this?”
His using the phrase “deliver me” brought to my mind the story of the Israelites being led to safety only to end up forty years wandering in the wilderness. With this new diagnosis, he certainly was smack in the middle of a wilderness of fear and unknown.
For the Israelites, God used that time in the wilderness to teach them to trust in His provision, goodness and faithfulness. In the journey of life God promises to be with us so we can trust in Him and remain hopeful. Together my husband and I learned to take the journey of contending with disease and impending death just one day at a time.
For forty days Jesus purposely went to the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In a desolate place, He sought to go deeper and closer with His Father.
Going through trials and troubles feels like wandering in a wilderness. But I know that looking to Jesus as our example, these trials and troubles are also rich opportunities to call upon God’s promises of deliverance and experience His presence in a very profound way.
Yet in these years since, I feel stuck in the wilderness. I am wandering without a clear sense of guidance. The desolation of this place mirrors my emotions. I begin to pray but after only moments my heart goes silent.
And so I continue writing this blog.