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OUR Heart Is His Garden

image taken hiking above Canyon de Chelly, Arizona

When we moved to our house in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin some twenty-plus years ago, I wanted to create a backyard and deck area that gave me joy and peace. I love all of nature but especially birch trees, flowers, rocks and birds.

Working in my yard was a blessing as it kept my mind busy through some stressful, anxiety-producing situations over many years. But the peace I had sitting on my deck and enjoying the color and scent of flowers and singing of the birds was continually threatened by the demands of maintaining my yard.

I remember keeping up with the relentless onslaught of weeds was overwhelming and recall a time my verbal reaction did not at all reflect God’s gifts of peace and patience. I remember the ranting I had done but then my heart spoke that maintaining a yard is much like stewarding a Christian life.

Sometimes the weeds are big and you have to dig deep to make sure you get the whole root out. It is hard work. Most weeds are annoyingly small things that have a niggly, frail little root that breaks easily and continues to grow just under the surface. And you get worn out with constantly dealing with the little weeds since they never seem to go away.

In this broken world there are some serious, sorrow-filled problems many Christians are challenged to endure. In our daily life, Satan prowls around us constantly with tricks and temptations and distractions that threaten to overwhelm us and destroy the gifts God wants for us.

When I moved to Arizona, I looked forward to having a rocky yard with cactus plants assuming I would no longer have the task of weeding. I was very wrong.

So the weeds will keep coming in my yard and my life. But I want God to be the gardener of my heart and pray that He grants me the full blessings of joy and peace in the beauty of the world He created and in the relationships He provides for support and encouragement.

May you pray without ceasing that God bless your heart with all joy and perseverance to root out the pain you are going through!  

image taken on the trails in my neighborhood of Cottonwood Ranch, Cottonwood, AZ

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GOD Sees Our Heart

I am reminded today of an early spring day years ago when I was in the line at Walmart and the shopper in front of me pointed at the cashier and said “wow, what a crab she is!” I looked over and the cashier’s face was lined in a deep scowl. As the shoppers went through the check out and she gave the typical greeting, they only mumbled in reply and kept their heads down.

Are you familiar with the label “resting bitch face?” It is used for people who look angry when they are not actively smiling. I have that kind of face. So there have been many times in my life when I have been perceived or accused of “looking” something that did not reflect how I was feeling.

As I thought of the shopper’s comment and my past experiences, I wondered what would happen if I responded to the cashier differently than the other shoppers had. And so after answering to the usual “did you find everything?” I then asked her “so how is your day going?”

The still vivid memory of her response always brings tears to my eyes. With a joyful voice she practically sang her answer. “I’m having a great day! The sun is shining! Every day is a beautiful day!” Even though she sounded happy, her face still had a scowl. There was a hint of a smile, but it seemed she couldn’t completely overcome those wrinkles or downward turn that shaped her mouth. But her eyes were bright and shining!

And I knew at that moment that if I had only glanced at her and saw the scowl, that if I hadn’t taken the time to really engage with her, I would have missed those beautiful eyes and not heard that singing voice telling me what a wonderful day it was.

I wonder how often someone with joy in their heart is criticized or ignored because of their facial features? So many of us profess, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” and yet do it.

ALL. THE. TIME.

In directing the anointing of a new king, Samuel was told, “Do not look at [his] appearance…for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Sam 16:7) How blessed we are to have a God who knows our heart behind what others see and think they know us to be!

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PRAYING at the DROP of a HAT

Aspen Trail Loop, Flagstaff, AZ

There is a funny scene in one of my favorite movies, “Steel Magnolias” with Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts and Darryl Hannah when Shelby watches Annelle suddenly drop to her knees in Truvy’s salon and asks “was she prayin’? Why?” Dolly’s character wryly responds, “Got me, maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Bell. Maybe she was praying for us cause we was gossipin’. Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose. Who knows, she prays at the drop of a hat these days.”

I still laugh remembering that scene. And it resonates with those of us who think we shouldn’t pray about trivial things. But in 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 Paul reminds us to pray “without ceasing, giving thanks in all circumstances” and he makes no references to a priority list. Even more important is the part about giving thanks in ALL circumstances. There are no qualifiers regarding that either.

But what does it mean to pray without ceasing? Psychology experts tell us even when our mind is not purposely focused on an activity we are engaged in thought. An article in Psychology Today by Steve Taylor, Ph.D., states “involuntary ‘thought chatter’ seems to be an affliction of human beings.”

I began to wonder, can my involuntary thought chatter become constant prayer?

In Romans 12:2 Paul tells us “do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” and by this we gain discernment of God’s will for us.

So that “thought chatter” or inner dialogue I am having through the day can either be worldly and self-involved or given up in an ongoing conversation–prayer–with God. There are so many verses in Scripture in which God encourages us to come to Him in prayer and none warning us to pray only about disease or addiction or tragedy.

Of course those are the times when we readily think of needing His grace or guidance and strength. But sometimes little things matter too. And I don’t know about you, but I can often get frustrated by little things. So I truly need to pray without ceasing if I am to live each moment, all through the day, in His grace and power.

And as I pray “at the drop of a hat” over little moments of discouragement or frustration as well as the big stuff, as my “thought chatter” becomes a continual prayer for wisdom and endurance and thanksgiving, then my spirit is renewed according to His will and all things are transformed into blessings.

Amen. And yet?

For so many months now my thought chatter pings restlessly and I struggle to pray beyond Kyrie, eleison.

And so I am writing this blog.

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The WILDERNESS

Granite Mountain Hot Shots Memorial Trail, Yarnell, AZ

After reading the CT scan report that identified too many to count cancerous brain lesions, my husband came to me with tears in his eyes and asked “why would God deliver me from the kidney tumor just to give me this?” 

His using the phrase “deliver me” brought to my mind the story of the Israelites being led to safety only to end up forty years wandering in the wilderness. With this new diagnosis, he certainly was smack in the middle of a wilderness of fear and unknown. 

For the Israelites, God used that time in the wilderness to teach them to trust in His provision, goodness and faithfulness. In the journey of life God promises to be with us so we can trust in Him and remain hopeful. Together my husband and I learned to take the journey of contending with disease and impending death just one day at a time. 

For forty days Jesus purposely went to the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In a desolate place, He sought to go deeper and closer with His Father. 

Going through trials and troubles feels like wandering in a wilderness. But I know that looking to Jesus as our example, these trials and troubles are also rich opportunities to call upon God’s promises of deliverance and experience His presence in a very profound way. 

Yet in these years since, I feel stuck in the wilderness. I am wandering without a clear sense of guidance. The desolation of this place mirrors my emotions. I begin to pray but after only moments my heart goes silent.

And so I continue writing this blog.

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NOT WHAT I WANTED

Marg’s Draw Trail, Sedona, AZ

The pineapple isn’t ripe. That’s what I hate about buying fruit, you never know what to expect. Whether it will be good or not so good.

Hmmm, life.

Many years ago I decided I would move to Arizona at some point. When my husband died, I hurried up my future and retired and moved there. It was more stressful for me to think about maintaining a house too big for me in weather that would require lots of mowing or shoveling, both of which I hate.

I expected to heal by spending hours hiking, mornings reflecting on spectacular scenery and redefining my daily activity without feeling stressed or guilty about something.

I truly love living here and keep busy with activities and new friendships and travel experiences. But I can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me. It wouldn’t be accurate to say I am unhappy or that my life isn’t as good as I had hoped. Well, maybe that last part is just a bit true.

There is that part about being a widow. Didn’t want to join that club and hate being reminded I am a member. But I don’t consider that unexpected part of my life to be more of a hardship than the health emergencies or emotional tragedies and worse that so many others have had to endure!

Can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me.

Hmmm, maybe I CAN put the finger on the what but not the why!

Some time during my adult years, the intellectual perception I had of God began to emerge and bloom as a cherished relationship of love. I was blessed with hard lessons in humility and learning not to bear false witness when faced with malice of others. I was blessed with outcomes and relationships new in forgiveness and rich in grace, for myself and for them. A prayer of Philippians 4 became a way of life.

Reflecting back I know without a doubt the Lord also used that time of teaching to prepare me to trust Him through the unexpected sickness and death of my husband.

What niggles at me is since my husband’s death, I can’t pray or praise without breaking down. Why?

This isn’t grief. That isn’t what I am feeling. But there is an unexpected void in trying to apply all those faith lessons to my new unexpected life.

I think I will have to take you back in time and share some of those lessons I learned so you might join me on this unexpected journey.

And so I am writing this blog.

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To BEGIN

I have begun this blog with an alliteration. I now live near and hike in Sedona but still hope to someday experience the beauty of Scotland and Santorini. I had fun creating those verses, but they also tell a lot about me.

I love the connections we can make through words and music and our interests or hobbies.

As in my alliteration, I hope for a life connected by sweet sojourns. But at this present time, I am meandering with little soothing in those strolls.

I have been told many times that I “think too much.” I’ve always had questions. About who I am in relation to yesterday and what I hope to be tomorrow. About how we relate to each other as we bring past experiences into the present and wonder about our future.

I was raised in a Christian home and as far back as I can remember, faith in a Creator made sense to me and my perceptions have been, and continue to be, influenced by that perspective. Even so, while rooted in that faith, through the years I continue to have questions.

I rebelled in my teens and raised my fist many times questioning God and authority in general. When I became a parent, I began to understand what it meant to be born from love but questioned how to guide and inspire in my new role. During difficult times in my chosen profession, I questioned how to deal with stress or malice and keep your integrity. Now I am a widow and retired with even more questions for which past lessons don’t seem to be helpful.

While I continue to question and meander with which seems like not much direction, I wonder what connections I can make beyond those I now have and what answers may be found as we meander together?

So I have started this blog.

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Soul Strains for Sweet Sojourns

Cathedral Rock, Sedona, AZ

The Soul strains for sweet sojourns in Sedona.

Oh, to see Scotland and Santorini!

For significant and splendid spaces, the soul speaks–no, sings!–

for such sublime sabbaticals and soothing secret strolls.

Sadly, sorrowful struggle stems from savings too stubborn to successfully schedule the search to satisfy the Soul with such spectacular scenery.