For your Sabbath day meditation.
For Unto Us
FALLING Asleep
Have you ever participated in a team-building exercise or observed a video where someone falls backward into the arms of their co-workers? Even if you get along wonderfully with them, giving up control to others and risk landing flat on your back takes a LOT of trust!
At a time when I was wracked with worry and couldn’t sleep, I sat and tried to pray. The image of falling backward into supportive arms came to me and I considered the phrase “falling” asleep. Falling implies loss of control and generally when we sleep, we have little, if any, control.
I considered, what if I yielded my anxious thoughts to the God of the universe and asked him to help me see things from a Holy perspective even as I slept?
I wrote and shared the above paragraphs as part of a weekly inspirational post with my prayer team some years ago. Learning to trust in God’s providence and protection became ingrained in my spiritual habits over time and sustained me through very stressful circumstances including the death of my husband.
However while the exercise of falling back into your coworkers’ arms demonstrates trust in people doing the right thing and catching you, in reality, life circumstances can be so much more painful and challenging to endure than having the ability to let go and handle it with good grace.
I still have an attitude of trust but my willingness to accept further trouble without complaint has waned significantly in these years as a widow. When a chronic pain condition flares or frustrations with tasks causes tedious and time-consuming problem solving, my temper kindles quickly and with a raised fist I am yelling “too much! it is too much!”
My mind tells me the trouble is inevitable. So how do you reconcile having an attitude of trust with a general reluctance to see it tested?
Daily devotions and Scripture readings has brought me so much joy and comfort. But for months now I have difficulty finding that same solace. Today I cracked open Jesus Listens by Sarah Young and it began “I come to You with my gaping neediness asking You to fill me with the Light of Your Love.”
Gaping neediness. Whoa! So, so me.
The reading went on, “I realize that a heart yielded to You doesn’t whine or rebel when the going gets tough. Instead it musters up the courage to thank You during hard times. Subordinating my will to Yours is ultimately an act of trust…Teach me to view my neediness as a blessing, believing that You designed me for deep dependence on You.”
Now that takes trust to a whole nother level, doesn’t it?
And I am searching for that answer in this blog.
NOT WHAT I WANTED
The pineapple isn’t ripe. That’s what I hate about buying fruit, you never know what to expect. Whether it will be good or not so good.
Hmmm, life.
Many years ago I decided I would move to Arizona at some point. When my husband died, I hurried up my future and retired and moved there. It was more stressful for me to think about maintaining a house too big for me in weather that would require lots of mowing or shoveling, both of which I hate.
I expected to heal by spending hours hiking, mornings reflecting on spectacular scenery and redefining my daily activity without feeling stressed or guilty about something.
I truly love living here and keep busy with activities and new friendships and travel experiences. But I can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me. It wouldn’t be accurate to say I am unhappy or that my life isn’t as good as I had hoped. Well, maybe that last part is just a bit true.
There is that part about being a widow. Didn’t want to join that club and hate being reminded I am a member. But I don’t consider that unexpected part of my life to be more of a hardship than the health emergencies or emotional tragedies and worse that so many others have had to endure!
Can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me.
Hmmm, maybe I CAN put the finger on the what but not the why!
Some time during my adult years, the intellectual perception I had of God began to emerge and bloom as a cherished relationship of love. I was blessed with hard lessons in humility and learning not to bear false witness when faced with malice of others. I was blessed with outcomes and relationships new in forgiveness and rich in grace, for myself and for them. A prayer of Philippians 4 became a way of life.
Reflecting back I know without a doubt the Lord also used that time of teaching to prepare me to trust Him through the unexpected sickness and death of my husband.
What niggles at me is since my husband’s death, I can’t pray or praise without breaking down. Why?
This isn’t grief. That isn’t what I am feeling. But there is an unexpected void in trying to apply all those faith lessons to my new unexpected life.
I think I will have to take you back in time and share some of those lessons I learned so you might join me on this unexpected journey.
And so I am writing this blog.