A PRAYER of John 16
ALONE AGAIN, Naturally / The WILDERNESS continued
I often wake up aware I had dreamed but don’t always remember specifics. One morning I awoke with several dreams weaving around in my head but one scene in particular was still vivid. It involved someone being bullied and I remember feeling very angry in the dream but also frustration from not being able to prevent it.
I had that dream while my husband was dying of cancer. While a bully is usually considered to be a person, it occurred to me then that physical conditions like illness or emotional pain can bully us in life. During these times Satan will instill fear and anxiety which can easily lead to discouragement or doubt in God’s goodness and distract us from hope.
During breakfast with the dream still rattling around in my thoughts, I started reading my First 5 devotion, “How God Handles Bullies” by Melanie Davis Porter. My attention came to a full alert.
She describes the story of good king Hezekiah urging the people of Israel not to pay attention to an Assyrian official who used intimidation and threats to try and drive them to despair and yield to the power of a foreign nation.
She continued “turning people away from trusting God is always the enemy’s strategy” [but] “refusing to engage bullies not only protects our peace … [it] exhibits an unyielding faith in a big God who is always trustworthy … God leads us in the unknowns of life and never abandons us.”
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
I am an extroverted introvert. I enjoy social interactions but have never felt comfortable with or trusted group dynamics. Instead I always craved the companionship of one other person and had that to a great degree in my marriage. We did a lot of things together. But he didn’t go with me to church. Not until he got sick.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
For so many years I hoped and prayed for my love companion to also be a spiritual companion. After he was diagnosed with cancer, he sought help and refuge from God and it was a joy to be a part of his transforming faith and observe this fiercely independent man yield every worry and completely rely on His Heavenly Father’s love and mercy.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
So he started going with me to church. He asked me often to pray with and over him. We had devotions together. And then he died.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
I have tried going to church alone again. But I feel too alone in this wilderness and am struggling to accept losing the one thing I wanted in a companion for so very long. I’m trying to refuse to engage in discouragement and wallow in self-pity. But it constantly niggles at me.
And so I keep writing this blog.
The WILDERNESS
After reading the CT scan report that identified too many to count cancerous brain lesions, my husband came to me with tears in his eyes and asked “why would God deliver me from the kidney tumor just to give me this?”
His using the phrase “deliver me” brought to my mind the story of the Israelites being led to safety only to end up forty years wandering in the wilderness. With this new diagnosis, he certainly was smack in the middle of a wilderness of fear and unknown.
For the Israelites, God used that time in the wilderness to teach them to trust in His provision, goodness and faithfulness. In the journey of life God promises to be with us so we can trust in Him and remain hopeful. Together my husband and I learned to take the journey of contending with disease and impending death just one day at a time.
For forty days Jesus purposely went to the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In a desolate place, He sought to go deeper and closer with His Father.
Going through trials and troubles feels like wandering in a wilderness. But I know that looking to Jesus as our example, these trials and troubles are also rich opportunities to call upon God’s promises of deliverance and experience His presence in a very profound way.
Yet in these years since, I feel stuck in the wilderness. I am wandering without a clear sense of guidance. The desolation of this place mirrors my emotions. I begin to pray but after only moments my heart goes silent.
And so I continue writing this blog.