In a previous post, Praying at the Drop of a Hat, I talked about writing this blog in part to reason the source of my thought chatter pinging restlessly and disturbing the peace I had found in prayer meditation for so many years.
I am grieving the loss of a love companion, but I am not lonely.
I am grieving the loss of a life I hoped for in retirement, but wake up each morning joyful at what that day may bring.
I am grieving that God was so close and present during my husband’s illness and dying, but now He seems so very far away.
THAT.
I cannot explain or emphasize enough the intensity of His Presence that my husband and I both felt during that time. Though he did not receive healing on this side of heaven, we were given signs that our prayers were powerful and miraculous.
Moses asked to see God’s glory and I can say with all humble confidence I was blessed with a speck of recognition for what that must have been like. Perhaps these many months He is quiet because He knows my heart still needs rest.
In the weeks before his death my husband often said, “I am in the Lord’s hands.” This is the confidence I also have, all Christians have, even as no one knows what their future will bring.
So though I struggle to connect my thoughts and find the words to reflect what is in my heart, I am deeply confident in what the Spirit asks for me.
And somehow, I am still moved to continue writing this blog.
image taken hiking above Canyon de Chelly, Arizona
When we moved to our house in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin some twenty-plus years ago, I wanted to create a backyard and deck area that gave me joy and peace. I love all of nature but especially birch trees, flowers, rocks and birds.
Working in my yard was a blessing as it kept my mind busy through some stressful, anxiety-producing situations over many years. But the peace I had sitting on my deck and enjoying the color and scent of flowers and singing of the birds was continually threatened by the demands of maintaining my yard.
I remember keeping up with the relentless onslaught of weeds was overwhelming and recall a time my verbal reaction did not at all reflect God’s gifts of peace and patience. I remember the ranting I had done but then my heart spoke that maintaining a yard is much like stewarding a Christian life.
Sometimes the weeds are big and you have to dig deep to make sure you get the whole root out. It is hard work. Most weeds are annoyingly small things that have a niggly, frail little root that breaks easily and continues to grow just under the surface. And you get worn out with constantly dealing with the little weeds since they never seem to go away.
In this broken world there are some serious, sorrow-filled problems many Christians are challenged to endure. In our daily life, Satan prowls around us constantly with tricks and temptations and distractions that threaten to overwhelm us and destroy the gifts God wants for us.
When I moved to Arizona, I looked forward to having a rocky yard with cactus plants assuming I would no longer have the task of weeding. I was very wrong.
So the weeds will keep coming in my yard and my life. But I want God to be the gardener of my heart and pray that He grants me the full blessings of joy and peace in the beauty of the world He created and in the relationships He provides for support and encouragement.
May you pray without ceasing that God bless your heart with all joy and perseverance to root out the pain you are going through!
image taken on the trails in my neighborhood of Cottonwood Ranch, Cottonwood, AZ
There is a funny scene in one of my favorite movies, “Steel Magnolias” with Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts and Darryl Hannah when Shelby watches Annelle suddenly drop to her knees in Truvy’s salon and asks “was she prayin’? Why?” Dolly’s character wryly responds, “Got me, maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Bell. Maybe she was praying for us cause we was gossipin’. Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose. Who knows, she prays at the drop of a hat these days.”
I still laugh remembering that scene. And it resonates with those of us who think we shouldn’t pray about trivial things. But in 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18Paul reminds us to pray “without ceasing, giving thanks in all circumstances” and he makes no references to a priority list. Even more important is the part about giving thanks in ALL circumstances. There are no qualifiers regarding that either.
But what does it mean to pray without ceasing? Psychology experts tell us even when our mind is not purposely focused on an activity we are engaged in thought. An article in Psychology Today by Steve Taylor, Ph.D., states “involuntary ‘thought chatter’ seems to be an affliction of human beings.”
I began to wonder, can my involuntary thought chatter become constant prayer?
In Romans 12:2 Paul tells us “do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” and by this we gain discernment of God’s will for us.
So that “thought chatter” or inner dialogue I am having through the day can either be worldly and self-involved or given up in an ongoing conversation–prayer–with God. There are so many verses in Scripture in which God encourages us to come to Him in prayer and none warning us to pray only about disease or addiction or tragedy.
Of course those are the times when we readily think of needing His grace or guidance and strength. But sometimes little things matter too. And I don’t know about you, but I can often get frustrated by little things. So I truly need to pray without ceasing if I am to live each moment, all through the day, in His grace and power.
And as I pray “at the drop of a hat” over little moments of discouragement or frustration as well as the big stuff, as my “thought chatter” becomes a continual prayer for wisdom and endurance and thanksgiving, then my spirit is renewed according to His will and all things are transformed into blessings.
Amen. And yet?
For so many months now my thought chatter pings restlessly and I struggle to pray beyond Kyrie, eleison.
I often wake up aware I had dreamed but don’t always remember specifics. One morning I awoke with several dreams weaving around in my head but one scene in particular was still vivid. It involved someone being bullied and I remember feeling very angry in the dream but also frustration from not being able to prevent it.
I had that dream while my husband was dying of cancer. While a bully is usually considered to be a person, it occurred to me then that physical conditions like illness or emotional pain can bully us in life. During these times Satan will instill fear and anxiety which can easily lead to discouragement or doubt in God’s goodness and distract us from hope.
During breakfast with the dream still rattling around in my thoughts, I started reading my First 5 devotion, “How God Handles Bullies” by Melanie Davis Porter. My attention came to a full alert.
She describes the story of good king Hezekiah urging the people of Israel not to pay attention to an Assyrian official who used intimidation and threats to try and drive them to despair and yield to the power of a foreign nation.
She continued “turning people away from trusting God is always the enemy’s strategy” [but] “refusing to engage bullies not only protects our peace … [it] exhibits an unyielding faith in a big God who is always trustworthy … God leads us in the unknowns of life and never abandons us.”
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
I am an extroverted introvert. I enjoy social interactions but have never felt comfortable with or trusted group dynamics. Instead I always craved the companionship of one other person and had that to a great degree in my marriage. We did a lot of things together. But he didn’t go with me to church. Not until he got sick.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
For so many years I hoped and prayed for my love companion to also be a spiritual companion. After he was diagnosed with cancer, he sought help and refuge from God and it was a joy to be a part of his transforming faith and observe this fiercely independent man yield every worry and completely rely on His Heavenly Father’s love and mercy.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
So he started going with me to church. He asked me often to pray with and over him. We had devotions together. And then he died.
REFUSE TO ENGAGE.
I have tried going to church alone again. But I feel too alone in this wilderness and am struggling to accept losing the one thing I wanted in a companion for so very long. I’m trying to refuse to engage in discouragement and wallow in self-pity. But it constantly niggles at me.
Granite Mountain Hot Shots Memorial Trail, Yarnell, AZ
After reading the CT scan report that identified too many to count cancerous brain lesions, my husband came to me with tears in his eyes and asked “why would God deliver me from the kidney tumor just to give me this?”
His using the phrase “deliver me” brought to my mind the story of the Israelites being led to safety only to end up forty years wandering in the wilderness. With this new diagnosis, he certainly was smack in the middle of a wilderness of fear and unknown.
For the Israelites, God used that time in the wilderness to teach them to trust in His provision, goodness and faithfulness. In the journey of life God promises to be with us so we can trust in Him and remain hopeful. Together my husband and I learned to take the journey of contending with disease and impending death just one day at a time.
For forty days Jesus purposely went to the wilderness to prepare for his ministry. In a desolate place, He sought to go deeper and closer with His Father.
Going through trials and troubles feels like wandering in a wilderness. But I know that looking to Jesus as our example, these trials and troubles are also rich opportunities to call upon God’s promises of deliverance and experience His presence in a very profound way.
Yet in these years since, I feel stuck in the wilderness. I am wandering without a clear sense of guidance. The desolation of this place mirrors my emotions. I begin to pray but after only moments my heart goes silent.
Some years ago over the period of many long months I was chronically anxious.
One morning I was running late for work and as I rushed to my car discovered much to my frustration my car keys were not where I always put them. I had never once mislaid them before so not being able to find them was especially troubling and I knew it was a sign of stressed scatter-brained thinking.
After frantically searching for the better part of an hour, I stopped to take a deep breath and shed a few tears. Need poured over me like a waterfall and I sank to my knees.
I sort of prayed. I asked for help finding my keys but mostly I simply declared defeat trying to deal with the circumstances in my life in my usual way.
Opening my eyes in preparation to call in to work with some lame excuse, I saw my keys. They must have dropped out of my coat pocket somehow wedging themselves between the chair slats and under the cushion.
I would never have seen those keys if I had not gotten down on my knees.
In A Praying Life, author Paul E Miller talks about cynicism Christians may feel about whether God hears our prayers. He notes too often we end our conversations with “I’ll keep you in my prayers” or “I’ll remember you in prayer” but never get around to praying, that too often we don’t think prayer makes much difference.
He continues that prayer is confusing and asks questions most of us wonder. Can you pray for what you want? And what’s the point of praying if God already knows what you need? It sounds like nagging.
Being on your knees is in a very real and spiritual sense a posture of humility and surrender. That prayer of admitting my need also quieted my anxious heart. I learned a new posture of prayer and in that moment He found me with an vulnerable and repentant heart and lifted me up.
This was certainly a very dramatic occasion but not the only time in those past years that I experienced prayer most certainly does make a difference. But what happens when the spiritual realm is silent while you struggle to pray?
For more than a year after my husband died, my prayers were a blend of gratitude and grief. While he was a believer all his life, during his sickness my husband experienced the comfort and peace from having a personal relationship with His Heavenly Father that he hadn’t had before. For the first time in our marriage we spent time in devotion and he asked often for me to pray with and over him.
Those memories that brought me deep gratitude and joy in prayer have begun to wane. Instead mundane daily routine invades my thought space and I have been finding it harder and harder to open my devotions. The tears of grief have waned as well but even so, I am also finding it harder to play praise music.
All those faith affirming and soul strengthening lessons from years past no longer seem to inspire or heal as before. I am still on my knees but there is this void that leaves me not knowing what to pray.
Have you ever participated in a team-building exercise or observed a video where someone falls backward into the arms of their co-workers? Even if you get along wonderfully with them, giving up control to others and risk landing flat on your back takes a LOT of trust!
At a time when I was wracked with worry and couldn’t sleep, I sat and tried to pray. The image of falling backward into supportive arms came to me and I considered the phrase “falling” asleep. Falling implies loss of control and generally when we sleep, we have little, if any, control.
I considered, what if I yielded my anxious thoughts to the God of the universe and asked him to help me see things from a Holy perspective even as I slept?
I wrote and shared the above paragraphs as part of a weekly inspirational post with my prayer team some years ago. Learning to trust in God’s providence and protection became ingrained in my spiritual habits over time and sustained me through very stressful circumstances including the death of my husband.
However while the exercise of falling back into your coworkers’ arms demonstrates trust in people doing the right thing and catching you, in reality, life circumstances can be so much more painful and challenging to endure than having the ability to let go and handle it with good grace.
I still have an attitude of trust but my willingness to accept further trouble without complaint has waned significantly in these years as a widow. When a chronic pain condition flares or frustrations with tasks causes tedious and time-consuming problem solving, my temper kindles quickly and with a raised fist I am yelling “too much! it is too much!”
My mind tells me the trouble is inevitable. So how do you reconcile having an attitude of trust with a general reluctance to see it tested?
Daily devotions and Scripture readings has brought me so much joy and comfort. But for months now I have difficulty finding that same solace. Today I cracked open Jesus Listens by Sarah Young and it began “I come to You with my gaping neediness asking You to fill me with the Light of Your Love.”
Gaping neediness. Whoa! So, so me.
The reading went on, “I realize that a heart yielded to You doesn’t whine or rebel when the going gets tough. Instead it musters up the courage to thank You during hard times. Subordinating my will to Yours is ultimately an act of trust…Teach me to view my neediness as a blessing, believing that You designed me for deep dependence on You.”
Now that takes trust to a whole nother level, doesn’t it?
