The pineapple isn’t ripe. That’s what I hate about buying fruit, you never know what to expect. Whether it will be good or not so good.
Hmmm, life.
Many years ago I decided I would move to Arizona at some point. When my husband died, I hurried up my future and retired and moved there. It was more stressful for me to think about maintaining a house too big for me in weather that would require lots of mowing or shoveling, both of which I hate.
I expected to heal by spending hours hiking, mornings reflecting on spectacular scenery and redefining my daily activity without feeling stressed or guilty about something.
I truly love living here and keep busy with activities and new friendships and travel experiences. But I can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me. It wouldn’t be accurate to say I am unhappy or that my life isn’t as good as I had hoped. Well, maybe that last part is just a bit true.
There is that part about being a widow. Didn’t want to join that club and hate being reminded I am a member. But I don’t consider that unexpected part of my life to be more of a hardship than the health emergencies or emotional tragedies and worse that so many others have had to endure!
Can’t quite put my finger on what niggles at me.
Hmmm, maybe I CAN put the finger on the what but not the why!
Some time during my adult years, the intellectual perception I had of God began to emerge and bloom as a cherished relationship of love. I was blessed with hard lessons in humility and learning not to bear false witness when faced with malice of others. I was blessed with outcomes and relationships new in forgiveness and rich in grace, for myself and for them. A prayer of Philippians 4 became a way of life.
Reflecting back I know without a doubt the Lord also used that time of teaching to prepare me to trust Him through the unexpected sickness and death of my husband.
What niggles at me is since my husband’s death, I can’t pray or praise without breaking down. Why?
This isn’t grief. That isn’t what I am feeling. But there is an unexpected void in trying to apply all those faith lessons to my new unexpected life.
I think I will have to take you back in time and share some of those lessons I learned so you might join me on this unexpected journey.
And so I am writing this blog.